September 08, 2004 - 15:09
I continued my life being a student. Nasib baik amik yg coursework basis. So, most of our lives are full with classes, discussions, and assigments.Since we lived in the residence hall at my uni, hubby had to travel like nearly 2 hrs to reach his uni. Lagi lagi if the class started at 9 am. By 7 am he had to get ready and off for the journey.Kalau winter time lagi kesian, with the low temperature and the wind chill...mmg tak larat. As for me...classes were just like 5-10 minute walk from our flat.
As for Amalin, I tried making a habit of chit chatting through the phone with her eversince the first day I arrived in Uxbridge, eventhough she was not yet to understand what mommy was talking abt.I guess I was hoping that I would still be involved with her during her 1st year of life even though I am not really there with her.I even left a big framed photo of me to my mom and regularly asked my mom to always show her that the photo was her mommy.Am not really sure whether she knew what's the meaning of mommy or not at that time.
The best of moments were everytime I received tonnes of her pictures when my dad sent to us.Haha...at that time the digi cam business was not really exposed yet. Hence, kalau nak tunggu the pictures, kenalah counting the days starting from the day my dad informed me of any new mail being sent.But, yet, when I did receive them, deep in my heart I felt like she was a stranger to me.I felt like she was not my baby...at least not the same baby that I left.I know that she was growing up and all the facials were changing.As much as I tried to convince my eyes that those were really Amalin, apart of me didn't have the same feeling as I had when I left her at the airport.Strange isn't it...but that's the best way to describe my feeling at that time.I was confused and by this time I was more frightened that I'd ever been. I thought to myself...if I were having such feeling towards her, what about her?She barely 'knew' me when I left her. Psychologically, she should only recognise my voice, my smell and my touch. Not more than that.Would I be able to receive hugs from her like other moms?Not if she thought that I'm stranger to her.So, those kind of things were always on my mind.I really had to make myself busy in order to avoid those not so healthy thinking. All that I cared about was to finish everything asap and made everything up for any lost moments with her. There was a time when both hubby and me wept as we were missing her terribly.I'm lucky to have my hubby beside me during all those moments. If it was not for him, I'm not sure I was strong enough to get everything through.Thank you dear...
Exactly a year after I left KLIA, it was time for me to go back and get her here since our phd studies had been approved. Again, mcm2 fikir dlm kepala. I was so mentally and physical prepared for any negative reaction I would receive from Amalin. I kept on reminding myself that she might treat me like a stranger. When I was waiting for the baggage claim, I could already see a little girl running around and I was sure that it was Amalin *boley nampak all those ppl since airport KB yg dulu was just cinonit*. My heart was pounding even harder at that time. I myself was not even sure how to react.What do I do first? Do I hug and kiss her? Do I try to put her in my arms?Suddenly it felt really strange.When everything was settled, I rushed to my mom who actually had Amalin in her arms. Being not so patient,I tried to grab her from my mom. And as expectated, she turned her head away from me. At that time...Allah saja yg tau how I felt.My heart sunk!Betul2 rasa kecik hati.And as usual...ayaq mata berjurai2.The worst thing was I didn't have anything to put the blame on except for my own decision.But later, with the help from my mom, she slowly tried to come to me.My mom was really helpful in trying to regain Amalin's confidence back to me. I really owe her on this.Within a month that I was at home, Amalin finally could adjust herself with us. Fuuuhhhhh...lega sgt2 as all the nightmares that I used to have were gone.
Now, even I have another 2 young ones and life is really a mega multi-tasking sort of thing, I surely won't go through that again. Through thick and thin I'd rather have all of them with me.No complaint no regret...
And yet, if I observe carefully, through Amalin's small eyes, I could see that she was also hurt, the fact that we did leave her...
